A Little R & R... PSHP-Style

After the whirlwind of chaos and utter excitement created by the recent Bigfoot and Abominable Snowman discoveries, I decided that I needed to sneak away for a little rest and relaxation. Sometimes it is nice to get out of the office and travel to parts unknown or off the beaten path... as long as your parole officer isn't privy of it.

After a short flight, I found myself in the scenic paradise of the great Pacific Northwest. Staying at a seaside retreat, I was able to enjoy the scents of saltwater mist and crusty fisherman. The Pacific Northwest always rekindles such fond memories... everything from the eradication of two-headed mango sea urchins to the inconclusive search for the green haired pandas of southern British Columbia.

For the first few days, this excursion seemed so distant from our true calling, but I was enjoying my time all the same. On the third night, things changed. It was as if I was living "The Blair Witch Project" when I encountered a species that I never really thought existed. I thought it was from the land of make believe... like dinosaurs, donkeys, and non-purple non-spotted furry platypus. To my fear yet tantalizing excitement, I encountered the fabled assacobra. As I've come to learn (and you should to), always expect the unexpected.

Although I am not quite certain the species that cross-bred to create the assacobra, I do know that it is a silent, but deadly creature. From my first hand encounters, I discovered that it is an ambush predator, yet will eat just about anything from people to cookies. It's silence is typically only broken by it's vicious "ROAR!" and the rustling of leaves as it ventures back to it's home in the forested landscape. It's scent is unrecognizable, but reminded me of my days in Cuba hunting the albino rhino with Fidel Castro.

Following the previous night's brief encounter, I tried to bait it in with a concoction of chicken, crab's blood, and dried kelp on the fourth night... a recipe I acquired from our friends at feedyourfable.com. Unfortunately, I had no success. On the fifth night, same recipe, same results. I thought this was odd considering that they eat just about anything.

It wasn't until the sixth night that I had a validated success. I had altered the recipe shifting from chicken to sausage and, to my delight, it worked. The beast moved in quickly and then scrambled into the bushes even quicker after taking three handfuls (they have three hands) of bait. The speedy beast never left me alone after that. You could see it's eyes sparkle as it watched me from the bushes waiting for me to let my guard down long enough for it to eat me.

I shot seven hours of video. Unfortunately, the video footage didn't turn out, but I plan to return in the next few months to re-confirm my confirmation, validate my conclusion, and make a final hypothesis on the cross-bred species.

In the meantime, it's back to our offices in Las Vegas, so that we can disseminate the near-conclusive evidence (suspected hair, scent, and secretion samples) from this eventful and near death encounter.