I Need A Monkey

Dear Cult-Like Supporters & Stalkers,

I need your help. As a favor to a friend, I am trying to help another knot-for-profit organization find a monkey/chimp to rent in the Seattle, Washington-area.

I am not legally at liberty to say which organization this is, butt they are trying to film a short (30 seconds or so) youtube-style Public Service Announcement for web distribution.

Given my vast experience with animals and renting monkeys in the past, they've asked for my help. They are exploring their options and are trying to determine availability and costs because, as a knot-for-profit, they are underfunded.

Unfortunately, all of my industry contacts and usual monkey rentals are not available in the desired time frame (August/September '09) as well as the fact that it would be too cost prohibitive for them to fly a monkey to their location.

If you have any information on monkey/chimp rentals in the Seattle-area, please:

• Send an email to bringoutthechimp@purplespottedhairlessplatypus.com

Thank you,

Christopher Christophersonson II
Senior Executive Director
Foundation of the Purple Spotted Hairless Platypus
"GO E.C.O. - Eradicate, Conserve, & Orgasm"

Growing on You...

To all of our loyal cultlike supporters,

As you can imagine with all of the recent Foundation of the Purple Spotted Hairless Platypus media exposure from CNN, Discover, G4TV, SyFy, TMZ, etc., our "organization" is growing.

After months of tense negotiations and finalizing government approval to invest our stimulus funds alternatively, we were able to acquire "our" domain from the "other" Purple Spotted Hairless Platypus eradication organization. You will now find us at www.purplespottedhairlessplatypus.com.

Moving forward, you can now contact Christopher Christophersonson II directly at christopherchristophersonsonII@purplespottedhairlessplatypus.com.

To report confirmed or unconfirmed Purple Spotted Hairless Platypus or other invasive species sightings - Red Shoed Horse Ants, Pumpkin Stripped Panda Bears, Giraffes, etc., please e-mail killtheplaty@purplespottedhairlessplatypus.com.

Include, with your e-mail, any photos, video links, descriptions, dung samples, DNA testing results, bank account numbers, and cosmospatial diagrams.

Expedition Ice Crevice... CANCELLED!!!

After months of preparation for Expedition Ice Crevice, the expedition was cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances. On the morning of the expedition departure, Christopher Christophersonson II discovered that he was married, his "wife" was pregnant, and that she was having the baby THAT day.

The National Geographic crew was disappointed given the scientific significance of such an opportunity, but they made a lemon out of lemonade by spending their free time researching stripper fish and "Fauna" at the local research center, the Olympic Garden.

Following our expedition cancellization, there was an intense legal battle with the "other" Purple Spotted Hairless Platypus research and eradication organization. We fortunately won this battle, and we're ultimately able to get an injunction against them until we can reorganize our expedition.

Given the unusual circumstances and as you may have see in the media - CNN, TMZ, HBO, G4TV, Animal Planet Guam, etc., I am ecstatic to have another son, Joshuaua Carlos Juan Christophersonson.

Expedition Ice Crevice

There has been an unbelievable discovery of several ice-encased Purple Spotted Hairless Platypus' corpses in Antarctica. As the leading Purple Spotted Hairless Platypus research and eradication organization, we were contact first for the opportunity to examine the specimen.

We will be leaving for Antarctica on Expedition Ice Crevice on Monday, March 30th, 2009. The goals of the expedition are to gain a more in-depth understanding of the Purple Spotted Hairless Platypus' aging, distribution, and mating patterns of such a species. It was thought that they were created in a laboratory in the early 1950's, but this could blow that theory out of the water. This is a truly unbelievable discovery!

Apparently, the specimen have been preserved incredibly well and found in two separate locations - both ice caves. We intend on taking tissue samples for DNA testing, carbon dating, and geospatial analysis as well as photos to be published in the Journal of Illegally Introduced Non-Indigenous Species of South America.

Unfortunately, given the recent economic challenges and a daunting meeting with the foundation's Bored of Directors, our travel logistics are complicated. Just getting there will be a 5 1/2 day journey with 19 separate legs and no air travel. Starting in Las Vegas, Nevada, we will be travelling over 17,000 miles round trip including, but not limited to, stops in Canada, Bermuda, Guam, & Peru.

At present and after an intense bidding war between Discovery and National Geographic, NatGeo is scrambling to get their paperwork in order to join us. It was a last minute decision, but something they feel worthy given the nature of such a discovery.

We will be documenting our journey to the best of our ability as well as posting frequent updates at http://twitter.com/PSHPlatypus.

Bored of Directors Meeting

Today, as Executive Senior Director of the Foundation, I had the grand opportunity to meet with our Board of Directors. In preparation for the meeting, I had been renewing our organization's financials and kept asking myself the question they opened with, "Where did all the money go?"

After hours of analyzing financial statements, we discovered that we definitely have challenging times ahead. Apparently, our foundation's investment portfolio was heavily invested with Bernie Madoff and chicken poop fuel futures. Our losses do not include the current lack of donations from our key supporters given their personal financial situations, and the forecast doesn't look good. We feel that we will be able to survive this situation, but, like most organizations in today's tough economy, we will have to closely watch our cash flow.

I have been instructed to implement a new travel policy, which I've highlighted a few key changes below:

• We are no longer allowed to stay at 5-star resorts. We will now be limited to 4 1/2-stars or less, which is a major sacrifice.
• We can only travel by boat, train, bicycle, foot, and yak.
• Significant others (i.e. spouses, partners, girlfriends/boyfriends, strippers, etc.) are no longer allowed to travel with us.
• We must use unpaid, uneducated interns, if available at research/eradication location.

I have also been instructed to double our purple spotted hairless platypus eradication efforts and require that all of of our donors double their contribution immediately. Like you, I'd prefer not to lose my job as finding a job as an "Adventurer" can be quite challenging, so please Support the Cause!

Extinct Ibex Is Resurrected By Cloning...

Seriously? Resurrecting extinct species? What's next? Cloning Bigfoot?

Read more at http://tinyurl.com/clonedibex

Sea to Shinning Sea...

We recently returned from an exceptional expedition in Africa. It was an exhausting, yet exhilarating adventure. As many of you have read in your local newspapers, we discovered three previous unidentified species, which is always exciting. You will find the list below, which includes their Latin names:

• Golden South African Banana Crocodile, christophersonsonious biggious
• Fuzzy Green Legged Mouse Giraffe, tallious animalious
• Starry-Eyed Butterfly Shrimp, yumyumyum psst

Now that we are back in Las Vegas and have been granted permission to travel abroad (legally), we will be continuing our pursuit of the Purple Spotted Hairless Platypus in distant lands. Our next stop is Antarctica as we've received several unconfirmed reports of specimen that have been found in ice crevices . Apparently, the ice has preserved them exceptionally well - color is stellar, completely bald, and the spots are clearly present.

Seems like an odd place for a purple spotted hairless platypus, but, if, in fact, this is the case, this discovery will speak volumes to their distribution and how long they have been inhabiting our Mother Earth. This could be a much scarier problem that anyone ever could have imagined!

Happy Old Year!

For those unfortunate supporters that have not received the annual end of year letter for what ever reason (i.e. inclimate weather, change of address, we did not send it, etc.), you will find it posted below:

"Dear Loyal Foundation of the Purple Spotted Hairless Platypus Supporter,

As the year winds down and we reflect on the events and non-indigenous-multi-crossbred-exotic species that have had an impact on us, we'd like to thank you for your unconditional support. Without you, our organization would simply be a joke - a non-reality that seems funny, but is rather sad given the dangers of the purple spotted hairless platypus and the other non-indigenous-multi-crossbred-exotic species that we are fortunate enough to research, track, encounter, and eradicate.

This year, we had the opportunity to travel the globe (when not on house arrest) and encounter some of the most heinous non-confirmed species alive - from the vicious Royal Oriole to the Assacobra in the Pacific Northwest. We, like many organizations in these challenging economic times, we're struggling to survive at times, but we're able to overcome the obstacles that were placed in front of us - like extradition, revoked passports, feral cats, and sausages - with your support and particularly your donations.

While 2008 was the year to MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN, we've realized that, in 2009, we will be faced with new challenges that we will have to adapt to. With your continued support, we believe there is a 50/50 chance that we will make it.

TIMES RUNNING OUT,

Christopher Christophersonson II
Senior Director
Foundation of the Purple Spotted Hairless Platypus

Elf Off

Although a little anxious to post this given that some of you fear elves as much as you do the vicious Purple Spotted Hairless Platypus, you must keep in mind that elves are just as non-indigenous and detrimental to the balance of the circle of life in the fast lane as other species. Watch the horror and carnage for yourself in this recent video footage shot at an undisclosed location.

Random Dung

This has been such an amazing, whirlwind year and, here we are, with only 30 days left until another historic year. It seems like just yesterday that we were "volunteering" at that Christmas Island federal penal facility. Now, we are preparing for our epic expeditions across the extreme environments that our ever endearing Mother Earth has earmarked for us. And, the vision for next year has gotten much clearer now that we have our passports back and can legally take these ankle bracelets off.

For now, I'm not going to bore you with the details as you should be receiving the Season's Greetings Letter, Annual Report, & Donation Requests in the mail before too long. For those that do not receive their personally autographed letters for whatever the reason, we will be posting it here (as we send you all the same "We are great! Donate now!" letter regardless of how much you donate).

HQ Renovations

In preparation for the 4th Annual Foundation Benefactor Dinner and as a result of the golden arched pygmy cricket infestation, we are renovating the Foundation's Headquarters. Basically, in our effort to remove the apparently deadly golden arched pygmy crickets, we removed the sheetrock and toilets.

Thus far, it has been an exciting yet awkward under taking. We believe that when we replaced the sheetrock that we trapped the cricket creatures inside the walls, but, unfortunately, they are so pygmy that they were challenging to identify.

With only six days left, we are now painting and pressure washing the toilets. As most of you are aware, I really like toilets, but hate painting. Fortunately, we were able to train the 3 1/2 armed magenta monkeys that we captured in Argentina to paint, so that has made the painting easier to cope with.

On a side note, for those that will be attending the event, you will gracious to hear that we will be eradicating 3 1/2 armed magenta monkeys that evening.

We look forward to seeing everyone that received their engraved invitations at the dinner. If you didn't receive yours invitation and you donated over $20,000 this year, please contact Droofus Pertersonson V at (800) Kill Platy.

Yum Yum Yum...

After our recent venture to the Pacific Northwest, we received word from our friends at feedyourfable.com that there was a "restaurant" in Minneapolis, Minnesota that had the perfect recipe - some crazy sausage concoction - for attracting the elusive assacobra.

The name of this "restaurant" is Hell's Kitchen (not to be confused with the show of same said name). It sounded suspect from the beginning, but, as you are well aware as loyal followers of our sometimes misguided adventures, we are always up for an expedition, so, after a little research, we found ourselves on a plane, then a train, and even an automobile.

We adamantly admit... Minneapolis seems like such an odd place to find a recipe like this because there hasn't been a reported sighting of an assacobra since 1963. Regardless, we were there, so we headed to Hell's Kitchen the first morning. Like most people in this industry, they had to make ascertain that we are legitimate before giving us the sausage. They made us sample the recipe and, as it turns out, it's okay for human consumption.

In the end, it turned out to be a scrumptious sausage loaf. Apparently, they take the sausage from a bison and put it in bread. Seriously? Who would of thought that it would be that easy? Sounds a little odd, but, given some of the things we've eaten in the past, it was... yum yum yum.

We crated up 50 pounds of it and are having it shipped directly to the Pacific Northwest for our continuing scientific research and are hoping that it does not decompose like Bigfoot's body did earlier this summer.

Side Note: On the evening prior to our return to Las Vegas, we confirmed a sighting of a royal oriole. We acknowledge that unfortunately this isn't as elusive of a species as our other discoveries and eradications, but felt that it was critical to note. For those not privy to the species, it's slightly different than a true oriole and recognized by it's incoherent squawks and blue and white colors (in addition to traditional orange and black). Typically, it does not attempt to hide it's presence, which has made it easier to eradicate for those of us in the Public Safety field.

Green Polar Bears?

Algae-dyed polar bears puzzle Japan zoo visitors

Although I've chased the green haired pandas of Southern British Columbia, until now I've never heard of the green polar bears of Japan! What are the odds?

I do think it's peculiar that they believe the green color is from "algae". From our experience, the only reasonable explanation is that the polar bears have crossbred with long-haired iguanas, non-indigenious to Kenya.

A Little R & R... PSHP-Style

After the whirlwind of chaos and utter excitement created by the recent Bigfoot and Abominable Snowman discoveries, I decided that I needed to sneak away for a little rest and relaxation. Sometimes it is nice to get out of the office and travel to parts unknown or off the beaten path... as long as your parole officer isn't privy of it.

After a short flight, I found myself in the scenic paradise of the great Pacific Northwest. Staying at a seaside retreat, I was able to enjoy the scents of saltwater mist and crusty fisherman. The Pacific Northwest always rekindles such fond memories... everything from the eradication of two-headed mango sea urchins to the inconclusive search for the green haired pandas of southern British Columbia.

For the first few days, this excursion seemed so distant from our true calling, but I was enjoying my time all the same. On the third night, things changed. It was as if I was living "The Blair Witch Project" when I encountered a species that I never really thought existed. I thought it was from the land of make believe... like dinosaurs, donkeys, and non-purple non-spotted furry platypus. To my fear yet tantalizing excitement, I encountered the fabled assacobra. As I've come to learn (and you should to), always expect the unexpected.

Although I am not quite certain the species that cross-bred to create the assacobra, I do know that it is a silent, but deadly creature. From my first hand encounters, I discovered that it is an ambush predator, yet will eat just about anything from people to cookies. It's silence is typically only broken by it's vicious "ROAR!" and the rustling of leaves as it ventures back to it's home in the forested landscape. It's scent is unrecognizable, but reminded me of my days in Cuba hunting the albino rhino with Fidel Castro.

Following the previous night's brief encounter, I tried to bait it in with a concoction of chicken, crab's blood, and dried kelp on the fourth night... a recipe I acquired from our friends at feedyourfable.com. Unfortunately, I had no success. On the fifth night, same recipe, same results. I thought this was odd considering that they eat just about anything.

It wasn't until the sixth night that I had a validated success. I had altered the recipe shifting from chicken to sausage and, to my delight, it worked. The beast moved in quickly and then scrambled into the bushes even quicker after taking three handfuls (they have three hands) of bait. The speedy beast never left me alone after that. You could see it's eyes sparkle as it watched me from the bushes waiting for me to let my guard down long enough for it to eat me.

I shot seven hours of video. Unfortunately, the video footage didn't turn out, but I plan to return in the next few months to re-confirm my confirmation, validate my conclusion, and make a final hypothesis on the cross-bred species.

In the meantime, it's back to our offices in Las Vegas, so that we can disseminate the near-conclusive evidence (suspected hair, scent, and secretion samples) from this eventful and near death encounter.

Bigfoot: Lessons Learned

Bigfoot Hoax: "Body" Is Rubber Suit

After an exhaustive few days, there has finally been new light shed on the recent Bigfoot discovery. Obviously, having an actual specimen is priceless and validates the critical nature of eraticating species like Bigfoot, purple spotted hairless platypus, lemon faced barracuda, etc.

Apparently, there are more claims that this was all a big hoax and that the frozen body of Bigfoot was really a "rubber suit". It's unfortunate that those connected to this situation (read "duped"), do not recongize the significance of this discovery and are further discounting the validity of the continuity of the searchability of Bigfoot.

If we analyze the situation from a different (read "more conservation-oriented") perspective, it is clear that Bigfoot's body composition is much different than originally assumed. Bigfoot is not part-human, part-ape, and part-chupacobra as expected. Bigfoot is actually a cross-species of the Michelin Man and the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man. This explains the soft areas in the head after it thawed and is actually much more concerning than any ape-acobra thing. The lessons learned here is that you always need to expect the unexpected and Bigfoot may be edible.

The second salient point is that the body decomposed much quicker than anyone could of expected. After being frozen in a freezer, it was expected that the body would have lasted longer ultiamtely being utilized for years of research - probing, microscoping, testing, analyzing, etc. In reality, given the pressure of the ice on the body, it imploded on itself and ultimately decomposed as quickly as it thawed. The lesson learned is that if you catch a bigfoot put it in a walk-in regrigerator rather than a freezer. This way it will not decompose as quickly and if still alive will be able to get a snack.

Bigfoot? AWESOME!

Body Proves Bigfoot No Myth, Hunters Say

Seriously? This is ridiculiously AWESOME! And, just the type of publicity an environmental organization like ours needs right now...

The number of inquiries from media and concerned citizens has been overwhelming. Seriously overwhelming to the point that, if we do not respond to your e-mails in a timely fashion, please understand that we are care but only have two hands (and one is usually clutching a Dr. Pepper).

Locating a species like BIGFOOT (aka Yeti, Sasquatch, Big Hairy Guy, etc.) solidifies the concerns of multi-cross-exotic-species more than discovering Nessie or even Santa Claus. It draws awareness to the fact that there are species in your own backyard that will devour you if you drink too much and fall asleep naked in the woods. This reminds me of our time in Peru... nevermind.

There are a lot of people that are discounting the fact that these two distinguished gentleman do not really have the body of Bigfoot. Truth is that these same people are afraid of reality. They are the same people that will tell their children that the Easter Bunny does not exist.

In the coming days, it will become increasing clear that these gentleman do in fact have the body of Bigfoot. Unfortunatley, I will be missing the celebration as I have another 60 hours of "volunteer" work.

Micro-Blogging Links

Loyal followers, you will find it easier to "Support the Cause!" now that we've added links to Twitter and hellotxt.

Our goal is to help you help us spread awareness of the Foundation of the Purple Spotted Hairless Platypus as easily as possible., so micro-blog away...

Also, we've updated the Liability Disclaimer and added a Privacy Policy here.

Later Rather Than Sooner...

It seems like everytime something extraordinary happens, we have to take two steps back. As you are likely aware, our Belize trip was posponed indefinitely. We are now restricted to staying stateside for the next 6 to 12 months depending upon multiple pending "issues".

Apparently our passports have been revoked for "reasons beyond our control" and "international peace purposes". The upside is that our work is being recognized internationally, righ?

For now, we will continue to focus on the multi-cross-species found in the lush deserts of Nevada. Stay tuned...

Extended Stay Resort...

First, Happy New Year!

Second, my apologies to our loyal, cult-like followers for not posting on the exploits at Christmas Island sooner, but after you read our report you may understand why.

Christmas Island was amazing yet invigerating with the red lipped mountain lion and Christmas Island government winning (this time) over the Foundation of the Purple Spotted Hairless Platypus.

Although we were not able to confirm the existence of the red lipped mountain lion on Christmas Island, we did discover that Christmas Island has a federal maximum security prison after a little mis-understanding.

The first few days seemed rock solid... Unconfirmed reports, photographic evidence, and biokinetic samples were coming out of the wood work everywhere. It was like falling off a log.

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Red Lipped Mountain Lion Fact of the Day:

Did you know that a coconut floating in the water with a slight wind chop looks like the head of red lipped mountain lion chasing prey in the Pacific Ocean? Unfortunately, there are a lot of coconuts in the area.

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After day three, everything went down hill... during a conversation with a local authority, we were arrested and spent Christmas and New Years in the previously mentioned federal establishment. Quite ironic... considering it's called "Christmas" Island.

Apparently, they thought we were with another organization - not to be named, but rhymes with peen piece. It seems there had been a "situation" earlier in the year - something about the ramming of sport fishing boats due to the inhumane nature of catching bonefish on a fly rod.

Anyway, after many long nights and deep conversations with fellow inmates, we were able to plead our case to the right person and they released us.

We will be returning to Christmas Island, but it won't be for some time and definitely not under our real names.

In the coming weeks, we plan to document our expediton - specifically the enlightening conversations with the inmates - and will post for your general knowledge. They shared their thoughts on global warming, HGH use in trigomist animals, geobiological autokinetics, bonefishing, and much, much more.

For now, we will rest here in Las Vegas before the next quest. Hopefully, we will be able to re-schedule the trip to Belize sooner than later.

Support the Cause!

We are wrapping up our final night in Hawaii prior to our expedition to Christmas Island for the red lipped mountain lion search and destroy mission. We anticipate being on Christmas Island through New Years, but it is still unclear if we will be returning through Hawaii (see update below) or re-routing through another yet to be determined locale.

These are definitely exciting times! We are constantly receiving (from our valued supporters) and uncovering unconfirmed sightings and uncircumstandtial evidence at extraordinary destinations across the globe:

• Purple Spotted Hairless Platypus in Belize City, Belize
• Red Eyed Tree Slugs in Buenos Aires, Argentina
• Miniature Kodiak Green Bears in Kodiak, Alaska
• Atlantic Pink Dog Salmon in Stockholm, Sweden
• Polar Leopard Sea Cucumbers in Brisbane, Australia
• One Armed Silver Banded Lizards in Las Vegas, Nevada

In reality, there are too many migratory non-indigenous species to eradicate in one lifetime, but that's why we ask you to "Support the Cause!"

You're a smart cookie... you've likely already seen the "Support the Cause!" section. As a loyal (almost cult-like) follower, please do what you can to spread the word... DONATE NOW, Introduce-A-Friend, del.icio.us, or digg this.

Hawaii Update: Unfortunately, once again, we've found ourselves going down the wrong crossroads. Despite our early success on this trip, a purple spotted hairless platypus has yet (and likely won't be unless it sits on my lap while on the loo) to be captured, killed, and photographed. In addition, although the scuba diving excursion was breath taking, we did not encounter, spear to death, or photograph a three headed finless lionfish either.

It is also disappointing to report that our two new staff members have decided that they were better suited as waitresses in the Bahamas and will be catching a ferry to the mainland sometime this month.

On a positive side, we are now seeking to fill two positions. If you or anyone you know is interested in supporting a great cause for little or no pay, please visit our Careers section.