Yum Yum Yum...

After our recent venture to the Pacific Northwest, we received word from our friends at feedyourfable.com that there was a "restaurant" in Minneapolis, Minnesota that had the perfect recipe - some crazy sausage concoction - for attracting the elusive assacobra.

The name of this "restaurant" is Hell's Kitchen (not to be confused with the show of same said name). It sounded suspect from the beginning, but, as you are well aware as loyal followers of our sometimes misguided adventures, we are always up for an expedition, so, after a little research, we found ourselves on a plane, then a train, and even an automobile.

We adamantly admit... Minneapolis seems like such an odd place to find a recipe like this because there hasn't been a reported sighting of an assacobra since 1963. Regardless, we were there, so we headed to Hell's Kitchen the first morning. Like most people in this industry, they had to make ascertain that we are legitimate before giving us the sausage. They made us sample the recipe and, as it turns out, it's okay for human consumption.

In the end, it turned out to be a scrumptious sausage loaf. Apparently, they take the sausage from a bison and put it in bread. Seriously? Who would of thought that it would be that easy? Sounds a little odd, but, given some of the things we've eaten in the past, it was... yum yum yum.

We crated up 50 pounds of it and are having it shipped directly to the Pacific Northwest for our continuing scientific research and are hoping that it does not decompose like Bigfoot's body did earlier this summer.

Side Note: On the evening prior to our return to Las Vegas, we confirmed a sighting of a royal oriole. We acknowledge that unfortunately this isn't as elusive of a species as our other discoveries and eradications, but felt that it was critical to note. For those not privy to the species, it's slightly different than a true oriole and recognized by it's incoherent squawks and blue and white colors (in addition to traditional orange and black). Typically, it does not attempt to hide it's presence, which has made it easier to eradicate for those of us in the Public Safety field.

A Little R & R... PSHP-Style

After the whirlwind of chaos and utter excitement created by the recent Bigfoot and Abominable Snowman discoveries, I decided that I needed to sneak away for a little rest and relaxation. Sometimes it is nice to get out of the office and travel to parts unknown or off the beaten path... as long as your parole officer isn't privy of it.

After a short flight, I found myself in the scenic paradise of the great Pacific Northwest. Staying at a seaside retreat, I was able to enjoy the scents of saltwater mist and crusty fisherman. The Pacific Northwest always rekindles such fond memories... everything from the eradication of two-headed mango sea urchins to the inconclusive search for the green haired pandas of southern British Columbia.

For the first few days, this excursion seemed so distant from our true calling, but I was enjoying my time all the same. On the third night, things changed. It was as if I was living "The Blair Witch Project" when I encountered a species that I never really thought existed. I thought it was from the land of make believe... like dinosaurs, donkeys, and non-purple non-spotted furry platypus. To my fear yet tantalizing excitement, I encountered the fabled assacobra. As I've come to learn (and you should to), always expect the unexpected.

Although I am not quite certain the species that cross-bred to create the assacobra, I do know that it is a silent, but deadly creature. From my first hand encounters, I discovered that it is an ambush predator, yet will eat just about anything from people to cookies. It's silence is typically only broken by it's vicious "ROAR!" and the rustling of leaves as it ventures back to it's home in the forested landscape. It's scent is unrecognizable, but reminded me of my days in Cuba hunting the albino rhino with Fidel Castro.

Following the previous night's brief encounter, I tried to bait it in with a concoction of chicken, crab's blood, and dried kelp on the fourth night... a recipe I acquired from our friends at feedyourfable.com. Unfortunately, I had no success. On the fifth night, same recipe, same results. I thought this was odd considering that they eat just about anything.

It wasn't until the sixth night that I had a validated success. I had altered the recipe shifting from chicken to sausage and, to my delight, it worked. The beast moved in quickly and then scrambled into the bushes even quicker after taking three handfuls (they have three hands) of bait. The speedy beast never left me alone after that. You could see it's eyes sparkle as it watched me from the bushes waiting for me to let my guard down long enough for it to eat me.

I shot seven hours of video. Unfortunately, the video footage didn't turn out, but I plan to return in the next few months to re-confirm my confirmation, validate my conclusion, and make a final hypothesis on the cross-bred species.

In the meantime, it's back to our offices in Las Vegas, so that we can disseminate the near-conclusive evidence (suspected hair, scent, and secretion samples) from this eventful and near death encounter.

Later Rather Than Sooner...

It seems like everytime something extraordinary happens, we have to take two steps back. As you are likely aware, our Belize trip was posponed indefinitely. We are now restricted to staying stateside for the next 6 to 12 months depending upon multiple pending "issues".

Apparently our passports have been revoked for "reasons beyond our control" and "international peace purposes". The upside is that our work is being recognized internationally, righ?

For now, we will continue to focus on the multi-cross-species found in the lush deserts of Nevada. Stay tuned...

Extended Stay Resort...

First, Happy New Year!

Second, my apologies to our loyal, cult-like followers for not posting on the exploits at Christmas Island sooner, but after you read our report you may understand why.

Christmas Island was amazing yet invigerating with the red lipped mountain lion and Christmas Island government winning (this time) over the Foundation of the Purple Spotted Hairless Platypus.

Although we were not able to confirm the existence of the red lipped mountain lion on Christmas Island, we did discover that Christmas Island has a federal maximum security prison after a little mis-understanding.

The first few days seemed rock solid... Unconfirmed reports, photographic evidence, and biokinetic samples were coming out of the wood work everywhere. It was like falling off a log.

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Red Lipped Mountain Lion Fact of the Day:

Did you know that a coconut floating in the water with a slight wind chop looks like the head of red lipped mountain lion chasing prey in the Pacific Ocean? Unfortunately, there are a lot of coconuts in the area.

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After day three, everything went down hill... during a conversation with a local authority, we were arrested and spent Christmas and New Years in the previously mentioned federal establishment. Quite ironic... considering it's called "Christmas" Island.

Apparently, they thought we were with another organization - not to be named, but rhymes with peen piece. It seems there had been a "situation" earlier in the year - something about the ramming of sport fishing boats due to the inhumane nature of catching bonefish on a fly rod.

Anyway, after many long nights and deep conversations with fellow inmates, we were able to plead our case to the right person and they released us.

We will be returning to Christmas Island, but it won't be for some time and definitely not under our real names.

In the coming weeks, we plan to document our expediton - specifically the enlightening conversations with the inmates - and will post for your general knowledge. They shared their thoughts on global warming, HGH use in trigomist animals, geobiological autokinetics, bonefishing, and much, much more.

For now, we will rest here in Las Vegas before the next quest. Hopefully, we will be able to re-schedule the trip to Belize sooner than later.

Support the Cause!

We are wrapping up our final night in Hawaii prior to our expedition to Christmas Island for the red lipped mountain lion search and destroy mission. We anticipate being on Christmas Island through New Years, but it is still unclear if we will be returning through Hawaii (see update below) or re-routing through another yet to be determined locale.

These are definitely exciting times! We are constantly receiving (from our valued supporters) and uncovering unconfirmed sightings and uncircumstandtial evidence at extraordinary destinations across the globe:

• Purple Spotted Hairless Platypus in Belize City, Belize
• Red Eyed Tree Slugs in Buenos Aires, Argentina
• Miniature Kodiak Green Bears in Kodiak, Alaska
• Atlantic Pink Dog Salmon in Stockholm, Sweden
• Polar Leopard Sea Cucumbers in Brisbane, Australia
• One Armed Silver Banded Lizards in Las Vegas, Nevada

In reality, there are too many migratory non-indigenous species to eradicate in one lifetime, but that's why we ask you to "Support the Cause!"

You're a smart cookie... you've likely already seen the "Support the Cause!" section. As a loyal (almost cult-like) follower, please do what you can to spread the word... DONATE NOW, Introduce-A-Friend, del.icio.us, or digg this.

Hawaii Update: Unfortunately, once again, we've found ourselves going down the wrong crossroads. Despite our early success on this trip, a purple spotted hairless platypus has yet (and likely won't be unless it sits on my lap while on the loo) to be captured, killed, and photographed. In addition, although the scuba diving excursion was breath taking, we did not encounter, spear to death, or photograph a three headed finless lionfish either.

It is also disappointing to report that our two new staff members have decided that they were better suited as waitresses in the Bahamas and will be catching a ferry to the mainland sometime this month.

On a positive side, we are now seeking to fill two positions. If you or anyone you know is interested in supporting a great cause for little or no pay, please visit our Careers section.